Beautiful Ovaries and murmuring hearts

Pre post notes:
Thanks for all the well wishes and birthday messages! My tens digit has officially changed! I was out of town all last week for work and we drove safely back from Chicago on my birthday through the wonderful snow on my birthday. I finally recovered from the trip (oh and partying:)) on Tuesday and now I am home for the rest of the year.

OK – back to post:

I always find it funny when my RE compliments my organs…during the HSG I had very nice fallopian tubes…and today after my surgery (while still groggy from the drugs) she said I had beautiful ovaries. It makes me giggle…:) of course – ugly ovaries that function properly might be a bit more practical – but I will take what I can get.

The painting above is ‘A Waltz of the betrayer’ by Annie Lin. Her comment on the painting is: “I tend to transform my images to a more metaphorical, anxious, aggressive, and restraint image. The composition and meaning, “masculinity” and “femininity”, inner and outer, subjective and objective, are all interwoven. The whole painting is in the process of wrapping and opening; which is similar to a psychological stage of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring.”

Although this set of paintings is geared toward the normal process from sexual pleasure, to the machine that exists inside our body for reproduction, it really speaks to me about the journey my DH and I are on.

Her final painting in the series (you can see them at http://www.annie-lin.moonfruit.com/) is a metaphoric womb showing the relationship between mother and child – hormonally and emotionally. I hope one day I can relate to that painting as well.

‘A Waltz of the betrayer’ – has a slightly different meaning to me than her personally intention. With PCOS, the definition feminine or masculine becomes blurred. I don’t see a lot of people blogging about the hormonal side effects, but I know we all experience them to some effect.

The random hairs that appear on my chin (or sometimes that slightly detectable ‘stash) always make me feel self-conscious (sometimes to the point of obsession – can we say tweezer-girl??). The inability to ovulate and have normal periods or establish the right womb environment to carry a child can really make me question my femininity. For the most part I can reason those insecure thoughts out of my head, but month after month, or morning after morning takes some perseverance.

Today was my laparoscopy. I was very nervous, because I have never been put under general anesthesia. Heck! I have never even had an IV before. Everything went well, although I do have an abnormal heart beat which was concerning to my anesthesiologist. I remember back when I was around 16 and my family doctor first diagnosed me with PCOS. At that same time they did a bunch of tests on my heart because the heartbeat was so slow and irregular. 14 years later and it is still slow and irregular (although slow now is 49 – 50 beats per minute, where it used to be 42-45 beats per minute). It has always had this extra fluctuation or murmur, that can sometimes confuse a machine (like treadmills or monitors). All was well then, so I supposed it is good now.

Everything went fine today and I am now set to rest with some nice vicodin for the next few days. Once I finally got into the operating room they put an oxygen mask on my face. The air was blowing in my eye and she told me I could close my eyes. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up, while still in the OR. Sounds silly, but that was all I was worried about (the waking up part)- so I have been fine since then.

I have a better understanding of the process and reasoning behind doing this surgery (thank goodness!). My ovaries were rather large (but lovely – haha!). The process was done to aspirate my cysts. This means that over then next three to six months my ovaries won’t be spewing out all those male hormones, and my body will get a chance to act like a normal non-PCOS person.

The procedure was not nearly as invasive as others you see when googling ovarian drilling. They used sound to make small incisions into all of the cysts on both ovaries. This causes them to dissipate into my system. Over time they will eventually build back up. Until then, as long as I do ovulate (which this will help to initiate too) my reproductive system will function in the normal feminine manner. Since I have been ovulating on my own (no clomid or anything like that) for a few months now, I have a really good feeling about this procedure. I do think it is a positive step to get us closer to our ultimate goal.

I also had a D&C to clean out my uterine lining. I think that is probably a good thing. This is all like one big fresh start.

So for now – my ovaries are “in the process of wrapping and opening” and my heart is “in the state of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring.”

P.S. I know that I am not citing my sources according to MLA or APA styles, and I am not sure what the legal ramifications of posting a picture from another site are, but it spoke to me too much not to risk it. Any suggestions on how to do these things in the future (good how-to links on siting sources and posting pictures in blogs) are greatly appreciated.