watershed

I wrote the green portion in August. This post has been stirring for a while. I feel like it is time to click ‘Publish’ and let go.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how the baby will affect my life. I am not so silly to think that I will be able to jump back into everything I did before and move on. I am excited at adding this new role to my life. And I do dream all day long about those wonderful times when I get to be the mother of a person.

But, I have spent so much time not being a mother. I sometimes think it was easier for my Mom because she got married when she was 19 and began having babies. Of course I don’t think having nine babies was easy for her, but at least for forming her sense of self. I have spent so much time trying to go through a path that helps me to prepare for this…going to college, getting a job and starting my career….waiting to begin a serious relationship until I knew I was ready…knowing when I was ready and being lucky enough to find that relationship in a relatively short manner of time.

I have worked my entire career at one company. I have paid my dues along the way with time, energy and persistence. I waited through the times it sucked and always remained flexible enough to be in the position to move up to the next rung on the ladder.

When I went to college, I really had no idea what I was going to do. I studied Math and Music. I didn’t really have a job or even a type of job lined up when I graduated. I spent a year volunteering through Americorps and the began the search for something. This was the first company that I started at after that. I do feel blessed. I do know that I trusted in Providence enough to take me to where I was supposed to be.

And when I got to this company, I started realizing how different it was for women in the corporate world. I know things have gotten much better, but I see first hand how differently things are done based on gender. I figured out that I would probably have to work three times as hard to get ahead, so that is what I did.

And now…I still feel like the above. It is the path I have walked. I worked my arse off to get where I am and I can’t ever worry that this next step is something in contradiction to those efforts. There are days when I fear that I will be seen differently – perhaps not as respected- when I come back to work, but I am sure that is just me making the worst of a situation. I don’t want special treatment, but I also know the law is pretty clear and I also know that my work is not like that – my boss is great- the whole place is like a family – and they want what is best for me, as long as I doing what I am paid to do.

I am curious and excited to see where it will lead. I have to go back to work (it isn’t an option right now financially, I am an equal breadwinner in this household) after 6 weeks of maternity leave. I know it will be tough. I am already torn. Part of my identity is what I do. If that just stopped when I became a mother, then I would be even more scared of the transition. But there is new part of my identity that will soon emerge. And it is wonderful and meaningful.

And I know I will want to be the one with her at all times. My work is flexible. I will work from home with Z two days out of the work week. She will either be at a day care facility or the home of a friend for three days out of the week. My boss is flexible enough that if I felt I needed to modify that when I return, he would work with me on it, perhaps going part-time or only going into the office half days for a period of time.

I can see us getting to a different point in a few years financially where I could always work part time or even stay home if that is what we wanted to do. Perhaps if we have a second child it would be best. I have toyed with the idea of home-schooling Z when the time comes. We really want to make sure she is prepared in Math and Science and want to take part in her education.

But – that is the future, and right now I am on the fork in the road – the watershed – and i am not going to agonize – I am just excited to see where we go….

Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honeys
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someones tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that its never too late
But you dont, you dont get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And theres always retrospect
(when youre looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me wanna stand still

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Stepping on a crack
Breaking up and looking back
Til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And when youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while