One month

I have been writing this post since Monday….one would think that being at home all the time I have plenty of time to blog. I don’t really feel like I have much time. When I do get a break I feel like I should be doing other things like eating or showering.

Over a month has passed since the Zerker entered our lives.

I am sort of getting used to being a mommy, but it is also sinking in…Oh my! I am a Mom! I get scared that I am doing something wrong or that something will happen to her. It is a lot of responsibility.
I hate that it is RSV season. I am constantly in fear that the normal baby boogers and weird way infants breathe are signs of a cold. I worry that I am not taking her temp correctly. Worry worry worry….I figured I would be worried about her forever, and I was right.

Before she falls into a deep sleep she sometimes does this weird whimper while sleeping. It reminds me of when my dog has dreams in his sleep. Is that normal? (The baby whimper, not the dog dreams…) I worry that she has apnea or something. She is probably fine. I just sit around her while she sleeps and make sure she is breathing 20 times a night.

I started to say ‘We’ turned a new corner, but to be honest the Zerker turned the corner on her own. On Saturday she went to sleep at 8:30. At 12:30am I woke her up, fed and changed her, and put her back to sleep. She did it with no problem. She slept well until 4:00am and then I fed her, changed her and put her back to sleep. (She is sleeping in her carrier, but on her own!) she wasn’t asleep but she put herself to sleep without a big fuss. Since then every night she has slept a little longer so that now she is just waking up once in the night at about 3am. And when she does wake up, I feed her and change her and then she goes right back to sleep. It is wonderful. She is wonderful. I am proud of her. She didn’t even know that is what I needed…I guess she is growing up! Oh no!

I have one more week before I go back to work three days a week. We’ll see how it goes. I am nervous. I know it will be tough at first, but I also know it is necessary.

Her personality comes out more and more every day. She seemed to enjoy me singing the song ‘Baby face’ to her today. Funny…that was the first song I ever performed at a show when I was three.

I worry how this little wonder will affect my relationship with DH. I get so uptight. I act like a byotch one minute and then apologize the next. I guess I will get the hang of it and will be able to handle it all without taking anything out on him. It isn’t like he is doing anything wrong, if anything he is doing awesome. It is really tough. I am not quite sure how my parents managed nine kids.

I feel like my insecurities are very heightened these days. I revolve between being overly sensitive and totally over anything that is thrown at me. I don’t want to come off as too needy, but I also want to be given a little extra love. I think this week was a little better. Last week I only left the house once for about thirty minutes. I think that caused a little bit more of the crazies. This week the Zerker and I took the ergo baby carrier and went to old navy one day and to the grocery another day, plus I had a doctor’s appointment another day. Today I was so proud of myself because I managed to finally pick up all of my clothes off of the floor of my closet, organize, put away and wash the pieces that needed it. I was probably a little too proud, DH didn’t seem to think it was as impressive as I did. Of course, he didn’t see the hours of tending to the Zerker, letting her cry a bit here and there and getting her calmed enough to chill in a bouncer or take a nap to finish. Also I did the dishes, so I think that I accomplished huge amounts.

OK this post is long and winding. Sorry. (There I go again!)